The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

I know literally nothing about cage fighting, but according to Twitter, it’s something Jake Paul does now. The manifestation of toxic masculinity and celebrity-capitalism is of course, horrific for me. However, I realized that if you put two overzealous men in a cage, that’s a few hours that they aren't spending mansplaining econ to women or perpetuating neo-colonialism on the internet. As an added bonus, no matter who wins, a man loses, and that’s what fifth-wave feminism is all about!

After careful discernment, I have curated a list of people whom I would like to see fight one another.

Joe Rogan vs. the guy that told me to take off my mask so he could see my smile while I was on a run today: These men have one glaring thing in common: they both think I want to hear what they have to say, but I would literally rather watch "Pulp Fiction" in a room full of film majors again than listen to them. Because of this, I feel like the two would charge inordinate amounts to see the fight, but once you arrive, it’s actually just them trying to keep your attention with shock value. They would soon realize they are both white men, so anything they say to discredit one another would backfire. Then, then the guy from the park would tell Joe Rogan that he thinks guns should be regulated (just to rile him up), and Rogan would sucker punch him while insisting COVID-19 isn't real.

Howard Stern vs.Bill Maher: I think Stern and Maher have more in common than they’d care to admit. I could see a scenario in which they fight until they realize they both have unresolved trauma from their childhoods and vow to act as the father to one another they never had growing up. Maybe they’d play catch and go for a walk in the park. It wouldn’t be the most entertaining, so I’d have to tell them that they’re not allowed to call people "illegals" anymore just to see 'em get angry.

Joe Manchin vs. Mitt Romney: This one is more of a social experiment to see what happens when you put two moderates against each other. I assume they just shake hands and agree that the Iraq war was good.

Kid Rock vs. Kid Rock's PR manager: I just know the poor guy that has to clean up Kid Rock's messes is so ready to take out his anger on him.

Ben Shapiro vs. a swift breeze: I know who would win, but it would still be fun to watch.

Gabi Contratto Jeakle is a sophomore English and history major. She has seen every TV show ever made and loves to discuss the Lost Colony of Roanoke

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