The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

A definitive ranking of American journalist DILFs.

After the long and arduous trip to 270, I have found myself experiencing a range of emotions. Most of these are joyful, and all of them are uncertain. I knew going into this election cycle that we would see an unprecedented outcome for our country. What I was not expecting was to feel a deep desire to fully commit myself to simping over Dads reading election returns.

That’s right, people. I know you’re thinking it. The real stars of the election are the middle-aged men who sparked something within us as we sat in front of our TVs for hours on end. What was once apathy then made a steady transition to a humble crush. Is Steve Kornacki really hot? Or am I just so emotionally exhausted that I would give my entire soul to anyone who makes eye contact with a camera and speaks with confidence? Maybe it was Stockholm syndrome or just our souls aching for a man to say something that isn’t incredibly stupid. Whatever it may be, I have devoted hours upon hours to thinking about these men, and now I present to you: a definitive ranking of American journalist DILFs.

10. Lawrence O'Donnell: Let’s kick this list off with an oldie but a goodie. Yeah, sure, he got angry on air that one time, but those red flags look kind of orange when he’s a silver fox.

9. George Stephanopoulos: Ol’ Georgy didn’t get quite the love he deserved this election cycle, so I’ll say it: George Stephanopoulos is a stone-cold DILF. Not only did he work in the White House, which adds to his score, but he’s also married to Ali Wentworth, so I have to imagine he’s not intimidated by strong, funny women.

8. Craig Melvin: I’ll be honest, I don’t watch enough of "The Today Show" to speak on his work ethic, but looking at him does indeed send me into, as the teens are saying, “full simp mode.”

7. Steve Kornacki: Steve Kornacki is like another Green brother who just really likes maps and statistics, so there was no clear cut place for him and they kicked him out of the family. Their loss, because that man knows how to point.

6. Anderson Cooper: I think Anderson Cooper would be a tough love kind of guy, but that doesn’t make me want him less. What he lacks in warmth, he makes up for in his ruthless hatred of Republicans, which is hot. He’s like a refined, well-coiffed Jack Frost.

5. Jake Tapper: I just know Jake Tapper would reply to my texts in a timely manner. The salt and pepper thing he has going on really does suit him well, and I bet you money this man’s favorite book is written by a woman. He just has that soft boy energy. He would never gaslight me and would only use the laughing crying emoji ironically.

4. Chris Cuomo: I know having Chris Cuomo ranked as only the fourth-hottest American journalist is controversial. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good-looking guy, but he seems like the type of guy who always has a chip on his shoulder and like, talks about his mom a lot. Like, we get it, you could take me in a bar fight. Having said that, I would, in fact, like him to take me in a bar fight.

3. David Muir: This is what I picture when I think of a turn of the century “tall, dark, and handsome” movie star. The bone structure?

2. Jacob Soboroff: I recently read a tweet that claimed all cishet white men exist on a spectrum from rat to thumb. I would argue that Soboroff is exactly in the middle, with a Timothée Chalamet-like boyish charm, and the same energy as your 10th-grade history teacher, upon whom you had a hopeless crush.

Honorable mentions

Ronan Farrow: Ronan Farrow is almost too pretty. Remember when Squidward got hit in the face and got, like, insanely attractive? Enter Ronan. He’s also too young to be a DILF, but I promise I’ll keep an eye on him. I wish him and Jon Lovett a lifetime of happiness.

Jonathan Swan: Unfortunately, Jonathan Swan is Australian, so I didn’t feel right putting him among this list of noble all-American DILFS, but I want it on the record that I still believe he can get it.

1. Don Lemon: This is the hill upon which I shall die. He’s got it going on. There is no reality in which you can convince me Don Lemon is not the hottest journalist of all time.

Gabi Contratto Jeakle is a sophomore English and history major. She has seen every TV show ever made and loves to discuss the Lost Colony of Roanoke

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