Seniors, welcome to the end of school, the only life you’ve known thus far. I have very little advice to give you, very little hope to dole out, but I will try. Truly, I wish you the best of luck out in this big bad world of competition.
My first piece of advice? Be scared. You think you’re prepared, but really, you’re not. You’re young. You’re ignorant. You think you can do anything. You think you can handle it. But be real with yourself. If you aren’t scared, you aren’t looking at the facts.
But what are these facts, one might ask? Well, for starters, you’re poor. LMU has sucked up an entire life’s worth of money, and chances are, you’ve barely paid half. So, uh, get workin’ on those loans. And when LMU calls and asks for donations, remember that somehow, you owe it to them.
Be idealistic, but also realize that every adult around you has already outgrown that phase. And for good reason, they might say.
You’re inexperienced. So it might be worthwhile to beef up your resume with some falsities, just until you actually have some resume-worthy skills. Just reference Joey from Friends.
If you need to come running back to school because you don’t know what else to do, don’t worry, that’s normal. Grad school is just around the corner, if your wallet hasn’t been totally sucked dry yet. Otherwise, enjoy serving fries at In-N-Out.
Serve fries at In-N-Out in addition to whatever 9-5 job you're about to land. What else really matters besides money, anyway?
Be an adult. And sorry, but adulthood is not a place for fun. Hopefully you got your fair share in the last few years, because after 22, what more is exciting? Maybe a tax refund next April to put towards your 401(k)?
Happy graduation! Just to humor you and undo some of this pessimistic (or realistic) energy, I’ll give you the you-did-it-congrats-welcome-to-the-best-years-of-your-life spiel. You did it! Congratulations! Welcome to the best years of your life! Go out and change the world! Travel! Have fun! You can do anything! Or whatever I’m supposed to say.
Enjoy the real world! Just remember, LMU’s always got your back as long as you’re a consistent donor.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.