No more gushing over “Game of Thrones.” No more late nights binging “Barry.” No more pretending like you actually watched “Chernobyl.” The days of watching HBO are over for students after our school’s decision to cancel subscriptions to the streaming service. In the wake of criticism, LMU has offered an alternative streaming service, one that falls more in line with its Jesuit teachings.
Introducing HB-Pope, a Jesuit streaming service created to exclusively stream Oscar-nominated “The Two Popes.” From drama to comedy, HB-Pope offers it all, as long as you consider “all” a film about the grippingly inside voice-level interactions between Pope Benedict and Pope Francis.
“So I downloaded HB-Pope because I hadn’t seen the film yet,” said Jess Ewitt, a sophomore theology major. “After watching it, I browsed the whole site. Literally, that’s the only movie on there.” It is noted that HB-Pope has an array of categories like “Continue watching… ‘The Two Popes,’” “You may also like… ‘The Two Popes,’” and “Critically-acclaimed films about those two popes.”
“Yeah, I mean, the movie was pretty good,” Ewitt continued. “But, like, there’s more Jesuit movies than ‘The Two Popes,’ you know? So I’m just confused why it’s only ‘The Two Popes.’”
“Say what you will about how many movies are on there,” said Mitch Jablinski, a representative from HB-Pope. “It’s all about quality over quantity, and we take quality very seriously.” So seriously in fact that “The Two Popes” is the only film that passed the streaming service’s strict filtering process.
This filter is something HB-Pope likes to call “Holy Tomatoes,” a review system that uses Vatican Cardinals rather than film critics to review the “holiness” of a film. If said film receives a rating of above 95% holy, then HB-Pope will add the film to “Certified Blessed” list. As of today, the only film to pass the holiness filter is “The Two Popes.”
“I just miss HBO,” said Ewitt. “I miss having options. There are only so many times I can sit down after a hard day of classes and listen to Anthony Hopkins’ soft yet unsettling voice.”
When asked if she would rather have Apple TV than HB-Pope, Ewitt responded with “God no. At least ‘The Two Popes’ is good.”
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.