Out of the north entrance of U-Hall, take a right and turn the corner to find the secret hideout for the neo-hipsters of LMU. Recognizable by their futuristic fashion and avant-avant-garde demeanor, this group of students has been the secret force in setting the status quo for years on campus. Just recently, they've come forward to end what they had hoped was a trend.
Julie Goffreid, one of the hipsters, said, “Man, oh woman, we thought these JUULs would have come and gone by now. Initially we thought promoting the USB-shaped electronic cigarette would be a humorous aesthetic, but we couldn’t have predicted that this stuff would actually stick. We’re really sorry.” JUULs have been reaching teenagers and underaged students at alarming rates — the group of influencers decided a healthier alternative was necessary.
The tribunal of cool has spoken and it is agreed that “air cigarettes” are the new hottest way to excuse yourself from an occasion or uncomfortable situation. Goffreid continued, “One of the coolest guys in the group, Lyle Drangle, gave me the idea when he was practicing his air guitar routine for next year's air guitar world championship."
According to Goffreid, Drangle needed a breather between his practicing and another neo-hipster jokingly put his fingers together as if he were holding a cigarette and offered it to Lyle. “I put it up to my mouth and inhaled to go along with the joke,” Lyle Drangle recalls. “What surprised me was the sheer satisfaction found when I did so.” Others state that Drangle expressed sheer ecstasy as they all asked him to pass the air cig.
With its main ingredient being oxygen wrapped in a thin roll of imagination, air cigarettes have quickly become the must-have finger accessory. Goffreid and Drangle both concur: It leaves you with a fresh healthy feeling, unlike the faux head-high of JUULs or the old-school lung pain of cigarettes. The most attractive part of changing your smoking habits is the cost: air cigarettes are free and they come in all shapes and sizes."
“I really like this fad, I hope it sticks around for a while,” says Goffreid. Next time you’re out or on lunch break and someone asks you to bum a cigarette or to hit the JUUL, let them in on the newest trend and hold your fingers out to them. Offer them some air.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.