The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Handshake

Wake your friend up with a slap and a smile.

It happens all the time. You’re walking down alumni mall on your way to class and you see someone you know passing by. So what do you do? Dap 'em up, of course. Daps are fun, but they leave more to be desired than a bag full of chips that turns out to be 90% hopes and dreams and 10% actual crunchy goodness. You yearn for a more authentic and expressive way to greet your brethren, but you’re not sure how you can spice up your dap game. Look no further! The following are healthy alternatives for a more robust handshake:

5) The Howling Banshee: To perform this handshake, you must make vigorous eye contact with your mate from a distance about the size of an average elephant watering hole. Once eye contact has been established, emit your best Tarzan-the-monkey-man yodel. This yodel will both alert the herd of humanity standing between you and your mate to part like the Red Sea, and invite your mate to reciprocate the guttural howl. The next step requires you to sprint towards each other, full tilt. Once terminal velocity is reached, leap into the air and embrace your mate. End the handshake by tumbling through the grass together in a whirlwind of bromance and giggles. Your commitment to the handshake will be rewarded with bruises and mild rib fractures, that will be physical reminders of the joyous greeting. #Bluff Tip: best performed on grass.

4) The Celtic Jig: Begin the handshake like any other formal handshake. But right as the tips of your fingers are about to experience that magical first touch, slide your hand down the outside of their forearm while simultaneously flicking your right heel into the air. Your partner will become privy to your intentions and adamantly mirror your movements. You will both grab the right ankle of your boyo and merrily hop in a circle together while singing a Gaelic folk song of your choice until you're bliddy knackered. Extra marks if you can play the bagpipes at the same time.

3) The Yankydoodledidgeridoo: Wear the stars and stripes from head to toe, or the flag of your native country. Identify your colleague and proceed to march in unison towards each other. Walk with exceptional posture — it helps to visualize an intense craving to do number two and physically embody that feeling. Stop exactly one bayonet's distance from each other, salute, sing the entire national anthem of your respective countries, click your boots and walk away.

2) The Lions' Way: Crawl on all fours towards your mate. Proceed to sniff your mate up and down in order to check for any bad odors that could scare off future love interests. If they pass inspection, affectionately rub your mane all over their neck and vice versa. This handshake requires a high degree of closeness and comfort before attempting. A lion's roar is encouraged to enhance the primal sensation.

1) The Double Whammy: If both handshakers are feeling fatigued and cannot perform the aforementioned techniques, commit to simultaneously literally slapping each other in the face. If your partner looks angry, repeat the handshake until he/she is smiling.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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