“Hey man, I get that you’re old enough to operate heavy machinery, rack up debt on a credit card, change your citizenship to Syrian, get married, fly a plane, become a stripper and purchase semi-automatic weaponry: but sorry, we can’t serve serve a beer to a minor. Wanna join the Navy, though?” said America to the 19-year-old attempting to purchase a refresher after working a 16-hour shift at the construction site for minimum wage. “But oh, LOL, if we catch you drinking one, we’re gonna try you as an adult — not a kid. So stick to the apple juice.”
Welcome to the United States, ladies and gents: the free world, the world of logic, the world where a teenager can legally slip a gun in their back pocket three full years before they can let a sip of wine touch their lips. It all makes sense to me. Guns, actually, are a lot more practical and a lot less dangerous than wine! Right? I mean, I’m not for sure, it’s just what the government—cough, cough—the NRA told me.
“Yeah, yeah. I get that we have a president who uses frequent profanities and speaks about graphic and sexual content on national television, but we can’t let you into this movie until you’re mature enough to hear the F-word,” America told a group of friends attempting to see Deadpool. “You’ll have to come back your senior year of high school to experience this word for the first time.” When America finished speaking, a crowd of middle schoolers began to roar with laughter.
“Ooh, also, if you wanna come become a representative in our government, come on! But keep in mind you might not be old enough to rent a car to get here,” said America. “No biggie.”
“Also, kiddos! Listen up! Feel free to drop out of high school at 16. But when your parents kick you out—because they’re no longer legally responsible for you—you won’t be able to get a hotel room, rent an apartment or buy a home. So make sure to pack up your sleeping bag.”
“And—just for kicks—you can’t play with puppies in puppy stores until you’re 18. You're welcome to birth a kid, though.”
Meanwhile, the nineteen-year-old sipped on their apple juice and cried.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.