The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Attention, freshmen. Your first year is just about over! If you’re still here and reading this, it means you have successfully been vetted and have passed the peer tests put before you. All those fire alarms in the middle of the night were planned in order to weed out the weaklings among you.

A ninth-year senior who goes by the pseudonym “Fresh Meat-Woman” runs the secret organization responsible for putting first years through the ringer. “The incoming class this year was tougher than some of the previous years. I had to step up my pranks and bust out the faux school-shooting prank,” said Meat-Woman. “If next year is anything like this year has been, I may have to do something really crazy.”

The secret organization called Pranks R Us looks for new recruits to enlist in their army of pranksters every first of April. The pranking tryouts incorporate strength, conditioning and wit components that include but are not limited to: speed-unrolling toilet paper, moving large objects around campus and how-to classes on lying your way out of being caught by administration.

Pranks R Us has come out with a list of pranks they claim to be their own hits. The newspaper stealing a couple of weeks ago, Ben Shapiro being let on campus and the basketball team’s success are just a few from this list.

The last two weeks of the school year are called the No-Prank Zone, where all four classes are invited to form prank tanks—a lot like think tanks—to brainstorm how to properly prank the newest incoming class. Senior Frank ‘The Prank’ Samuel is sad his time has finally come to an end.

“I’ve been pranking for years now,” he stated. “That’s how I got my nickname ‘Frank the Prank.’ I’m so proud and blessed to be a part of LMU’s prank community. I started as a whoopee cushion pranker my first year here and now I’m out here leaving fake parking tickets on cars.

People actually think they’re real tickets. As if this school could consciously take more money from us.”

Whether you’re the pranker or the prankee, enjoy the No-Prank Zone until the end of the year. Because next year it’s all about the new kids.

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