Anti-vax momsーdefined as mothers who are vehemently against saving their children and other children from deadly 18th century diseasesーhave recently upped their game. Now, the anti-vax agenda includes strict rules against soap, toothpaste, medicine, doctor’s visits, washing fruits and vegetables, cooking meat and eggs and drinking purified water. They strictly reject any new technologies or knowledge in the medical arena.
According to their website, immunizationskill.org, “the human body is meant to degenerate in accordance to its own will. Any interference in a child’s natural degeneration is immoral and inconsistent with human nature.”
Anti-vax mothers believe that if their children are meant to die, so be it. “We have to listen to what their bodies are telling us,” said Neg Ligent, an anti-vax mother in the Westchester area. “If they get sick, it’s what their bodies wanted. We shouldn’t be pumping the sick into them, and we shouldn’t be stopping it when it comes.” She went on to say that her “poor neighbor’s child” received a “terrible vaccine that gave him a C in math. It really just hurt his brain,” she said.
Even after their extensive research was proven to be entirely inaccurate, anti-vax moms are louder than ever. “It’s just the fake news,” said Ligent. “We know for ourselves that anything that can weaken the body’s natural immune system is terrible.”
In the anti-vax community there are seven deadly sins, which are all thought to weaken the immune system: exercise, a full night's sleep, eating your boogers and ear wax, social interaction, sunlight, rubbing alcohol and kissing. Ironically, these same sins have been proven by doctors to be anti-deadly, so there is some controversy to be worked through.
If you are looking to join the anti-vax community, keep in mind that it is recommended just for those looking to contract preventable, lethal diseases. All members have to be okay with receiving only the comfort of warm river-water and raw chicken for their last meal as they die of polio.
While the community is tight-knit, you’ll be ostracized the moment you try to save yourself or your child, so think hard before joining your death-sentence.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.