Welcome back to the Bluff everyone. Wipe that crust out of your eyes and dust the cobwebs off of your medulla oblongata because it’s time to get back to class.
Upon arrival back to campus there may be a palpable sense of stress in the air — this is due to the tremendous procrastination that occurred during the week off of school.
Backpacks may be heavier than you remember. Physics professor Dr. Blake Whole explains this phenomenon saying, “Untouched books and binders accumulate dust at a remarkable rate. The weight of your backpack can increase 12 percent over just a week long break.”
Dr. Whole says the best way to combat unwanted backpack weight is by “washing your books thoroughly: taking a shower with your text books is proven to improve the mood of your books as well as give you, the owner, a greater sense of fulfillment.”
There’s a good chance you haven’t looked at your planner since the break started. I mean why would you? If you haven’t, there is an even better chance that you have a quiz on your first day back.
This was the case for a senior overheard in the gym. He said, “I had a quiz in my first class and I bombed it. Turned in 20 pages of homework and had no idea what I wrote on it. [I have] less than two months left and I’ve been saving up my silicone-based grease just to skid by during this time.” This tactic usually does not work out.
Coming back from Spring break means the remainder of the semester will be more summer than spring. This is a perfect time to get cracking on those tans.
The Bluff’s top recommendation for getting tan is to sprawl au naturel on the Sunken Garden from around 3-5 p.m. daily. The sun’s beams will be able to tan you with a reduced UV output and I will be out of class to supervise.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.