The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Book review: Drump and the Giant Impeachment

Tonald Drump finds himself upon a giant impeachment feeling uncertain of his fate. 

Fifty-eight years after its original publication, a more contemporary version of “James and the Giant Peach” is in production. Later this month, “Tonald Drump and the Giant Impeachment” will hit shelves across America. It is baffling how well the original translates to today’s world.

Tonald Drump is a 4-year-old incumbent president who lives in the White House with his Twitter, his only friend. When his secret conversation with the Ukrainian president is exposed by a whistleblower, he’s sent to live with his aunt, Congress, who does not love him at all. While there, he discovers a giant impeachment. Congress locks Drump away, making money from the impeachment, holding rallies around it.

One day, Drump is tweeting and his phone falls out the window near the giant impeachment. Once there he discovers a hole inside the impeachment and climbs inside. There he comes across the previous scandals and close calls with impeachment he’s avoided over the past three years.

Skye Daniels, Bobby Meuller, Excess Hollywood and Vladmir Take-out all greet Drump with mixed emotions. Skye Daniels and Excess Hollywood, being past the peak of their respectable careers, thanked Drump for putting them in the spotlight and making them feel 18 again, as well as for laying the foundation for the #Metoo movement. Bobby Meuller makes Drump apologize to him and the American people for making Meuller write a 500 page document on nothing. Vladmir Take-out smiles at Drump, earning the new name Gladmir.

The new group of friends escapes the clutches of Congress and flies away on the giant impeachment. On their journey the passengers aboard the impeachment come across a plethora of dangers, from false claims and inflated stories to reliable sources and facts that Drump successfully diffuses by throwing sand in the eyes of the media and using confusing rhetoric.

As they cross the sea, the 2020 elections become visible through the clouds. Will the giant impeachment blow up in the faces of Congress and liberals alike? Or will this be the plastic straw that breaks the orange man’s back? Find out when “Tonald Drump and the Giant Impeachment” comes out some time hopefully before the end of the year so we all can have a normal day for once.

Andrew Dazé Senior English Major Bluff Section editor, left handed, cries when inebriated, lover, but can fight

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