There’s been an influx of service animals on campus. Service dogs, service bunnies and even service goats have made their appearances on the Bluff. But there’s an unexpected companion that may have found a loophole in the system. How would you feel about a service human?
Anita Pal, a sophomore at LMU, noticed she had a service animal in almost every one of her classes. This got her thinking. “I too would like to bring a furry friend to class to help me with my anxiety,” she said. Pal suffers from anxiety from test taking, eye contact, public speaking, her past, her present and her future. “That’s just the short list,” Pal confided. “If the clock is ticking, I’m itching.” So Pal did her research and found that there was no explicit rule in the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) that states that humans cannot be service animals.
Students were taken aback when there was a new student following Pal into the classroom. “I hadn’t seen him around campus before, and he was really cute,” said senior Bestia Lity. “I went up to touch him and Pal, who’s usually so sweet and cool, got all pissy and yelled, ‘Don’t talk to him when he’s wearing the vest!’ It was so rude.”
Needless to say, Pal started a trend. She’s dubbing the program “Feeling Rather Irritable, Earnestly Need (a) Dawg” Initiative, or F.R.I.E.N.D. Almost every student—and some professors—are bringing their service humans to class, and, subsequently, classroom sizes have doubled.
All service humans are required to wear service vests while they are on duty and live by the same standards as many of their animal counterparts. If they are loud and disruptive during class, everyone sort of smiles and thinks they’re cute. If they have an accident in class, everyone giggles while the owner picks it up. They are even allowed to relieve themselves in public, outdoors.
“This is the best gig I’ve ever had,” said Annie Mal, a service human to an LMU student, “I get to sit in on classes, get a proper education, not take the test and get room and board on my master’s dime.”
We caught Mal while she was sitting in University Hall sipping a Starbucks coffee, waiting for her owner to come out of the restroom. Mal did a tell-all of her daily schedule. “I wake up on the floor with my owner’s roommates’ three other service humans and we all lick our owners’ faces, saying we have to go to the bathroom.” Mal also gives a detailed account of her restroom use, advising “don’t lay down on Sunken Garden.” She also provided details about her [owner’s] class schedule. “I’m taking these classes for free, and I’ll be able to graduate with a degree by the spring.”
If you see a lot of new people with vests on, don’t be alarmed or think it’s a French protest. Besides, it’s cheaper than therapy!
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.