The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Burns Recremation Center to open

Titled the Burns Recremation Center, the auditorium will be transformed into a cremation service center and funeral home. The space will offer hands-on cremation demonstrations as well as a funeral directing class. The first of its kind, the mortuary science major instantly prompted an increase in major change requests and prospective transfer students and a decrease in campus activity. As reported in a student survey, there has been an 88.9% increase in students skipping class, a 99.85% decrease in library occupancy and the average wait time for Qdoba is 22.5 seconds.

LMU crossing guard Martin Smith recognized the sudden disappearance of students: “In the rare chance a student crosses the street, they are dressed in all black and walk straight into traffic. They are embracing death in every possible way.”

The decrease in LMU student life has not affected the Lair's popularity. However, on the way to take classes at the Recremation Center, students are not eating standard dishes. “They will only eat raw meat,” explained LMU dining staff member Tilda Matthews. “Students are climbing over the counter, turning off the stoves and sneaking into the freezers. It’s ridiculous. We’ve had to turn our menu vegetarian for this very reason.”

In hopes of a psychological explanation for the infatuation, the Bluff reached out to the Student Psychological Services (SPS) for comment. We heard back quickly with an automated response. After two and a half weeks, we got in touch with Cathy Bishop of SPS. “We’re not entirely sure why students have become fixated with death, and we’re not looking for an explanation — it’s best that way. Fifty-six obliterated crows were discovered in LMU Parking Lot A last Friday. Some things are best left swept under the rug," Bishop explained.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.