On Sunday morning, it was announced that the popular military first-person shooter video game, Call of Duty, filed a civil lawsuit for libel against all of history. The lawsuit arrives just weeks after the release of Call of Duty’s newest addition to its franchise, Call of Duty: Boston Tea Party.
The release was the source of controversy all over the internet, as several articles cited examples of perceived historical inaccuracy in the video game’s plot.
One article, posted on the History channel's online publication, stated: “Nevermind the fact that Benjamin Franklin was never the president of the United States, nor the fact that in 1773, when the Boston Tea Party took place, there wasn’t even a concept of a U.S. president to begin with — these were not the most striking historical inaccuracies in the game, no. Placing Abraham Lincoln (voiced by Christian Slater) at the the center of the event, with a mohawk and wielding a machete in one hand and an M16 in the other, was also not the most irresponsible fabrication of the game’s plot. We would probably have to pinpoint the most egregious, irresponsible disregard for all of history as the use of the Russians and the North Koreans as the main enemy in the Boston Tea Party. Again, the Boston. Tea. Party. Of 1773, in which boxes of tea were thrown from a ship into Boston Harbor, in rebellion against the British government. That’s it. That was the event. No one was killed. There was no Battle of Orlando or a nighttime attack in Los Angeles.”
As a result of these allegations, the Call of Duty franchise is seeking damages at a cost of “however much the Declaration of Independence is worth,” against history in its entirety.
“Who’s to say that the Russians and North Koreans didn’t invade Boston in 1773?” stated Call of Duty’s main attorney, Digby C. Percival. “Who’s to say that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t the pinch hitter for the 1773 Boston Red Sox World Series-winning team, and that he wasn’t also the commanding general of the Navy Seals in their fight against Russians and North Koreans for the independence of our great nation? Was history there? Did history see it with its own eyes? Are we willing to trust a history that would defame and discredit such a legendary American hero? Are we willing to trust history, when it clearly hates America and looks upon it so unfavorably? We are a humble country built upon the shoulders of humble, yet ripped, six-pack clad, at least 6-foot-5 in height, farmers who also doubled as military special operatives. How dare history dishonor that.”
History, as it is a concept and not a profit-making institution, will not be represented by a defense attorney in its trial nor anyone to stand in its place. “You would think history would be pretty easy to defend as it is entirely based in facts, but with no one to represent it in the court case? I don’t know,” stated head of the Stanford history department, Corinthian Schmeltz. “I guess we’ll just have to hope that the American people believe in history? Or truth at all, for that matter?”
Chuckie Peterson, a citizen of the South Boston neighborhood noted, “The Russians are bad. North Korea is pretty bad too. Abraham Lincoln was pretty good. It’s hard to argue with that. Also I like that Christian Slater movie where he’s a little kid and he’s home alone and kills Bobby DeNiro.”
In an era where truth is relative, the facts have to defend themselves ... I guess?
*CORRECTION: Chuckie Peterson was most likely referring to the 1990 film "Home Alone" starring the child actor Macaulay Culkin, who defends his home from a character played by actor Joe Pesci, not Robert DeNiro. Joe Pesci does not die in the film. Christian Slater would have been 21 at the time this film was released.