The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Coachellans Anonymous helps festival-goers cope

A member of Coachellans Anonymous has learned to embrace her native festival culture while back on LMU's campus.

Undeniably, post-Coachella season is the most depressing season of the year. Having lived the previous several months in sole anticipation of the festival, Coachella-goers now find themselves confused, purposeless and unable to adjust to life in the limbo between one Coachella's ending and another's beginning. Until next year’s lineup is released, thousands of confused, exhausted Californians will wander the streets of the city humming “7 rings” and longing for the desert air.

For those who suffer even more severe Coachella withdrawals, a new 12-step-program called Coachellans Anonymous (CA) will walk people through the next twelve months until Coachella returns, one month at a time. The first month is focused on embracing the confusion that comes with so quickly re-entering society after all the glorious moments in the desert.

Smaller music festivals will be interspersed throughout the program, free to members. These festivals are not intended to replace Coachella, but simply to offer a healthy alternative until the participants can get back on their feet next Spring.

The Bluff spoke with a man new to CA who has been attending Coachella for the past seven years. Though wishing to keep his true identity anonymous, he requested to be called Mister Grande for interview purposes.

“CA has been life-changing,” he explained. “I’ve spent the last seven years consumed by Coachella. I think I'll finally be able to do something else for a change. I’m hoping to become a singer myself.”

CA helps its members to identify what they enjoy most about Coachella and aids them in applying it to their everyday lives. For Mister Grande, it’s music. For others, like a woman who has requested to be referred to as Miss Grande, it’s the outfits.

“Coachella is just really the time you can embrace festival culture all you want and like, really get in touch with your spiritual side,” she explained. “I like to wear native war bonnets myself. Also, they look cool and I think maybe they make me look taller. It makes me feel powerful, you know? When I can block the views of everyone behind me with the feathers.”

She went on to explain the impact CA has had on her. “CA has really been crucial in helping me incorporate that element into my everyday life. Now, I wear Coachella outfits every day, like bindis and hijabs with punk symbols all over them. CA is paying for me to dye my hair brown and get cornrows next week. They’re really helping me to get in touch with my native festival culture.”

Though Coachella-goers often feel lost and confused when trying to leave the festival behind them, there is now hope. If your heart, too, is longing for the desert, music and wildly inappropriate outfits of Coachella, CA just might be for you.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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