After years of protest, boycott and scrutiny, the National Football League’s (NFL) most problematic team has finally caved and changed its name. The Washington Redskins will now simply be called “The Redskins.”
This public relations change was announced last night and is to take place at the beginning of the 2020 season, unless The Redskins make it to the playoffs by some stroke of luck. The reason for the new name was given in a statement from the team, who said, “We are so ashamed of our hometown and the antics of the people who run it, so we are abandoning Washington and will lean into our logo—making it bigger and changing the type underneath it to ‘The Redskins.’”
The public has mixed feelings about the name change. Red Skeen, a D.C. mailman told the Bluff, “This is finally MY team. All I need to do is get a proper sunburn and I will be a living, breathing version of my local NFL team. It does feel weird to cheer ‘Go The Redskins,’ though. The ‘the’ seems redundant. It makes it feel like a pretentious college football team.”
The president tweeted, disagreeing with the decision, saying, “This is the greatest disrespect a sports team has shown the White House, EVER. The ‘The Redskins’ was America’s team, now it’s just the Native Americans’ team. Sad!”
Twitter is polarized about the news. The masses are torn between their deep-seated hatred of Washington and their deep-seated hatred of cultural appropriation. Twitter user @Pigskin_head tweeted, “I’m very torn between my deep-seated hatred of Washington and my deep-seated hatred of cultural representation.” Another Twitter user who goes by the handle @DCnutz tweeted, “While this isn’t the change we were hoping for, it’s not a complete loss.”
The name isn’t the only thing that’s changing. There will be an embracement of the Native American culture of lacrosse by the team. Next season, if the former Washington Redskins lose, the whole team will be executed. Good luck next year, “The Redskins!”
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.