Denver, Colorado has a new largest export and Southern California has found its way onto the list of largest buyers. Canned air is the year’s must-have product, and supplies are, literally and metaphorically, flying off of the shelves. Becoming a popular alternative for inhalers, canned air is becoming an escape from the poor air quality in Los Angeles.
German entrepreneur Ocksi Gener started her company in the "Mile High" city just following the legalization of cannabis. “I launched the product in hopes of it becoming a sort of ‘chaser’ for smoking. It hit me to market my products in areas with poor air quality. Canned air sells extremely well in industrial China and India as well as major metropolitan areas like Los Angeles," Gener said.
Gener’s company, Denver Air In Kans (DANK) delivers a crisp refreshing breath when you need it the most. DANK comes in a variety of flavors: Regular, Diet, Sparkling, Caffeinated and Fruit-Flavored.
Gener glows over her newest innovation, which is “DANK from different regions. We will soon be canning air on mountain ranges from all seven continents. Ice cold air from Antartica, spicy air from the Andes, air with culture from the French Pyrenees and monosodium glutamate (MSG) - infused air from the Himalayas to name a few.”
Canned using state-of-the-art technology, DANK is captured in eight-ounce cans. On any given day you can see hordes of DANK employees with cans in their hands swinging their arms furiously in the air to capture some of that sweet fresh air.
DANK has been facing a few snags in their PR campaign, though. It has been banned from the NCAA and many professional sports. Dubbed as a performance enhancer, canned air is missing a major market with athletes. It is predicted that DANK’s sales would be up 85 percent if the ban were to be dropped. Amateur organized sports have embraced DANK with open arms. Cycling and running clubs across Los Angeles County have made the product a vital part of their recovery.
The 2017 Tour de California winner and recent DANK sponsee George Bennett claimed, “I just don’t feel myself without breathing a can of DANK after a run. It helps me recover. I’ll use DANK until people decide our air quality is important.”
A second hiccup in the company’s resume was their original slogan, “It’s so light, it will make you feel like you have wings.” Redbull was all over this. Since then, DANK has changed their slogan to “The freshest air off the mountain.” In an attempt to bounce back from these mishaps, DANK has turned to science. L.A.’s average Particle Measurement (PM) averages out at 12, but in its densest areas can reach up to 55 PM. Nine out of ten pulmonary doctors agree that DANK is useful for the average Angeleno.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.