This week, vaping was in headlines everywhere. Apparently it’s dangerous (who would have guessed?!). But there’s a lot that the news just won’t tell you … so enter Bluff. Following is a list of everything that can happen to you from vaping ー and you won’t find it anywhere else.
Aversion to normal air. After breathing in so much mango, strawberry kiwi andーLMU's personal favoriteーwildberry-sugar-pancake-bacon-banana-PopTart, normal air just doesn’t taste good anymore. How could it, when the very thing you can pay to inhale reminds you so much of Grandma’s breakfasts? For those with air aversion, we recommend consistent sucking of at least four distinct Dum Dum flavors at the same time.
Catching Skater-boi Syndrome. This syndrome manifests differently for different people. For some, it may mean a complete change in style: no matter the weather, they now wear beanies, hoodies, and cuffed jeans with black Converse and decorative socks (not to mention the earbud wires hanging from both ears to connect to the iPhone 4 in their sweatshirt pocket). Their music can be heard by everyone they pass on their skateboard or scooter, and while they have no tattoos, they sure like to talk about them. For others, the syndrome means massive, unending crushes on these types of people. It’s just vape culture.
Frequent chills. If you think about it, this makes sense.
Empty pockets. Well, obviously your pockets will be filled with all your different juice flavors, but where will the spare change be? At the vape store. Did you know that the longer you’ve been vaping, the more vape companies charge you for a bottle of juice? They’ve got you, and they know it. Say goodbye to those nickels you used to carry around.
All vapers die young. (That’s how the saying goes, right?) We don’t actually have evidence to support this, but we think it’s a good tactic to get the kids to stop vaping.
Vaping isn’t actually that cool anyways. In a survey of 1,000 13-year-olds, only 997 of them believed that vaping was cool, which clearly just isn’t that many.
So if you don’t want all of these vaping side effects, we recommend you stop. There are plenty of other drugs to pick up instead (ones that won’t give you Skater-boi Syndrome.)
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.