The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

EPA proves climate change is fake

Despite common misconception, Earth is happy and healthy according to Deni Er, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency.

Despite numerous climate  strikes happening across the globe this week, the earth is happy and healthy.

This weekend, thousands of people across continents linked up in solidarity in an effort to initiate new environmental policies around the globe. But what they overlooked was massive: the fact that the Earth is totally and completely fine.

Sure, it’s on fire, and the sun gives us cancer and the air isn’t actually safe to breathe, but all it takes is a look around to know that there is really no issue.

Just think about it: succulents flourish in dorm rooms, trees continue to grow and, even though plastic grass is replacing real grass, there is real grass in some places, probably. All you have to do to soothe your racing (and burning) heart is take a nice deep breath of fresh(ish) air and leave it to the leaders to handle the situation.

The United States of America, the most powerful country in the world, has assured its citizens that there is nothing to fear. If even the director of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is expressing no concern, there is no reason we should either.

After all, leaders know best. Deni Er, the head of the EPA, did not approve of the climate strikes because “the only real issue with the climate is that my air conditioning is broken.” The director has previously stated that “if the planet gets hotter, all we need to do is install more AC units and spend more days at the pool,” before adding that they “hate the snow anyway.”

The president agrees that there is no true environmental crisis, instead placing the blame on China and calling the whole thing a “big, huge, big, huge, big, big, huge hoax. Huge.”

While some do not believe that the director of the EPA or the president of the United States are trustworthy, one only needs to run a quick fact check to discover that the theory is wrong. Nearly 2% of what the president says has factual basis. Therefore, one of the 50 times he has called the climate crisis a hoax, he was telling the truth. Global warming is all a big scam and he’s proved it.

So, before it becomes your time to stop, drop and roll away from the fires just take a nice dip into a sea of plastic and relax. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. America said so.

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