It’s finally happened ー Christmas will officially last 4 1/2 months of the year. After decades of extending the holiday season bit by bit, the world has at last achieved what Santa, the elves and the reindeer have been waiting for. Fall is no more ー following August, it’s officially Christmas.
The decision was written into international law by the United Countries (UC) this past week. They believe that extending the season of cheer will have a profound effect on peacebuilding. After years of studying the correlation between the holiday season, generosity and community volunteer work, they determined that the best course of action for lessening human rights violations and heightening peace was to make Christmas last even longer.
Counter to the predictions, the results have shown otherwise. At LMU alone, riots protesting the Den’s decision to play Christmas music have gotten so out of hand that classes all last week were cancelled. Charlotte Fall, the junior environmental science major who organized the riots, was happy with the turnout at the protests. “We had nearly 4,000 students, staff and faculty who came to protest the early start of Christmas,” she said. “The best part were all the people dressed as fall items ー pumpkin lattes, giant leaves, things like that. They were really trying to show that if we just skip fall, we won’t have much left as a society.”
Even students who were originally advocates for the extension of Christmas into the fall season have changed their minds after seeing it put into practice. “It’s Nov. 1 and I’m already entirely sick of ‘Jingle Bells,’” said John Holiday, a senior music composition major. “I had my first Christmas concert this year on Sept. 14 and now I swear I’d rather hear anything else but Christmas music ー even country.”
While the UC had promised that the cancellation of fall would be good for businesses, they were wrong once again. Apparently, nobody wants peppermint lattes or wrapping paper or Christmas trees anytime before Black Friday. So, when stores replaced Halloween decorations, pumpkins and other fall items with wreaths and ornaments, sales plummeted.
“They [the UC] told me that Christmas items would sell better than pumpkins in October,” said Marl Carx, a small business owner in Los Angeles. “But I haven’t sold a single penny’s worth since August. What now?”
When questioned for comment, the UC refused to comply. It seems that they are still hopeful an extra 2 1/2 months of Christmas will stop heightened violence, but the evidence is not in their favor. No one wants a hint of Christmas before Thanksgiving is over.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.