The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

The biggest news sweeping across college campuses as the winter blues set in? The new hot. “We’ve figured out what beauty really means," said Jack Macho, an LMU senior men's studies major.

A new group, Manly Men for Meaning (MMM), has worked tirelessly over the past few days to re(re-re-re-re-re)-define beauty standards for women. “We want our girlfriends to be able to chill out,” Macho continued. “So we’re willing to change sexy so that they can have a better time. It’s a sacrifice, but hey — ladies first.”

MMM is comprised of 18 cis, wealthy, white men in their 20s and one 75-year-old Latina woman (to emphasize their focus on diversity and inclusivity). Their goal is to allow women to focus less on their beauty while still being considered beautiful. They believe their ideas are backed up by science — specifically, natural selection.

The Bluff has been lucky enough to be the first to publish a brief list of these newfound beauty requirements and guides on how to stay sexy according to MMM — and to science.

If you’re exhausted, busy and feeling lazy, it’s your time to shine.

Eye bags are sexy now. According to MMM, a woman donning eye bags reflects a willingness to resist sleep, meaning she would naturally make a good mother. “Congrats, ladies!” Macho said with a wink. “You don’t have to buy concealer anymore.”

Baggy clothes have never been hotter. MMM has determined that baggy clothes reflect comfort, and comfort reflects a laid-back demeanor. “We’ve noticed girls are just really angry. But I swear to God, we’ll never figure out why. If we let them wear some more comfy clothes, maybe they can chill a little bit. When they’re chill, we're chill,” said Macho. "Oh, and also, the baggier clothes they wear, the warmer they'll be. Then we won't have to give up our jackets so much. So yeah. Baggy clothes? The new sexy."

One thing they won’t change about beauty standards? Weight. “We were thinking about letting women put on a little extra weight, but then we realized we’d have to pay more on dates — they’d be eating too much. Or we’d have to share more of our food. So, we decided to keep that one how it is,” Macho explained.

Although MMM has received quite a bit of backlash for seeming sexist, Macho simply doesn’t understand. “How could I be sexist?” he questioned. “I have a girlfriend.”

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.