The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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Feb. 18, 2091 marks the day our agricultural and dietary worlds will change forever. The Surgeon General and FDA have announced many changes that will take place over the coming years to help combat overpopulation and climate change. Here at the Loyolan we made up a menu for the day.

Breakfast:

To drink, you have a packet of Emergen-C, because 1. Oranges suck up far too much water to sell any longer and are only obtainable by the extremely wealthy, and 2. the uprising of antivaxxers in the late 2080’s led to the chances of catching anything from the common cold to measles increasing by 85 percent. So get that Vitamin C to support your immune system.

Due to the recent discovery of udders on rats, cereal is back on the menu. Feel free to indulge in your childhood memories once again with Rat Milk. May we never forget cattle milk and almond milk. Their greenhouse gases and unparalleled need for water made them a non-contender.

Figs are on the extinct fruit list now, joining the ranks of bananas, most berries and peaches. The hottest fruit to get your hands on are persimmons— not the tasty ones though, the ones that have the texture of sand. Persimmons and instant yogurt are the new norm.

Lunch:

Enjoy a Vegemite sandwich just like in the land down under. in fact, Australia has a new Vegemite which is part veggie and part termite. The Surgeon General published the findings that insect-based protein is the step America will need to have a more environmentally friendly, more cost-effective diet.

A fresh Coke goes great with lunch.

Dinner:

Our special today is the lab-grown lamb chop. All “meat” will soon be traceable to the scientists who grew it. It is remarkable how something that doesn’t resemble meat at all can taste so much like it.

Because the government controls the clean water reserves that are rationed monthly, if you still have water—great, otherwise you’ll be drinking cheap beer or wine like the rest of us.

Cheers and good luck keeping it down.

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