The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

For Inclusivity, T-Law send everyone a Valentine

With many students not expecting a Valentine-gram this Friday, one man intends to change that. 

It’s that time of the year, everyone: Valentine’s Day, the holiday that many spend with loved ones and others spend bitterly tweeting about being single. Around campus, you can find opportunities to send Valentine-grams to that special someone; however, the school has found that only a small minority of people actually receive one on the day of romance. One man has stood up to change that. One man has promised to make sure every student receives a Valentine-gram, whether they like it or not. And that man … is our University president.

Some students were inspired by his act of kindness and many were confused, but all could see T-Law hard at work in his office, cranking out Valentine-gram after Valentine-gram over the course of a dozen 9 to 5’s.

“I can’t believe he did it,” said Brooke N. Hart, the University president’s personal assistant. “This morning, I saw him pushing in a whole cart of those grams. Like I genuinely think it’s literally impossible for him to have filled out all of those in one day."

But he did the impossible. The next day, every single LMU student could find a heart-shaped piece of paper taped to their door sending the kindest words from the face of our campus — all in exquisite cursive, I might add.

“Yeah, it was nice and all,” said Sing El, a year psych major whose Instagram bio has a link to his Tinder account. “but like the card was personalized, which was a little odd, right?”

Every Valentine-gram written was personalized, tailored to each student, after T-Law conducted research on each individual student in order to give a level of sincerity that sending an entire school the Valentine-gram could never accomplish.

“Yeah, at the bottom, it says ‘P.S. You’re not giving yourself enough time to eat if you go to the Lair at 12:30 and have class at 1 … go earlier,’” continued El. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how he knows I eat at that time.” El noted that eating earlier isn’t a bad idea and he wants to thank T-Law for his helpful advice.

No one really knows what caused our president to provide such a generous feat to the LMU community, but what we do know is that T-Law is weeks behind on work now due to his act of kindness.

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