March Madness bracket’s busted? No worries. Here’s a bracket you’re guaranteed to win (as long as you won’t get offended by the truth).
On any given day, you’re more likely to…
Have a 45 minute phone call with your mom / Take personality quizzes
Scroll mindlessly through social media / Nap
Request an Uber instead of driving / Online shop
Go out to eat / Request a day off work
Have your high-school GPA on your resume / Engage in dorm room gossip
Mention your ACT score in a casual social conversation / Remind someone that you were, in fact, popular before college
Get under seven hours of sleep / Bounce from class to a meeting to work to chapter (or something like that)
Inform someone that you’re available for an hour “the Tuesday a week-and-a-half from now” / Say yes more often than you say no to events
If your winner was:
Section 1: You're the Procrastinator
If you’re going to procrastinate, at least be productive about it. Instead of laying in bed all day, lie on the beach. Maybe you can try that next week.
Section 2: You're the Rich Kid
Ah, an L.A. staple. Just keep in mind that, you know, not everyone thinks a $17 kale-and-quinoa salad is a cheap dinner option.
Section 3: You're the Still-in-High-School College Kid
Hate to break it to ya, but dude — it kinda seems like you peaked in high school.
Section 4: You're the Way-too-Busy College Kid
You’re an LMU classic. But hey — maybe slow it down a bit.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.