The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Genius advice for freshmen

Rosecrans resident puts CCOW to work. For more great advice, feel free to email iamafreshmanandidontknowwhatimdoing@lmu.edu

Pets

While pets are not technically allowed in dorm rooms, there is a simple way around this. By sending an email to pets@lmu.edu, you can get a certificate to turn any animal into your own personal service animal. It’s how Del Rey North had so many chimpanzees last year.

Homesickness

The best cure for homesickness is total isolation. Do not call your family — it makes you look weak. And, if you happen to have pictures of your high school friends up on your dorm wall, get them down. If you're reverting to high school, it's not something you want to advertise.

Hot-Shot Syndrome

Whatever you want to call itーconceit, cockiness, arrogance or hot-shot syndromeー it is COOL in college. Show off that confidence. You’re the best thing around and you better make sure others know it. If your hand isn’t up to answer every question in class or to correct the professor at every turn, you’re doing something wrong.

Drinking

When drinking in your dorm room, simply remember CCOW (pronounced ca-COW)—Chug, Compliment, Offer and Winkーto avoid write-ups if the RA knocks on your door.

Chug all remaining drinks. Not only will it make you look cool, but it’s a sure way to quickly eliminate all evidence (and nervousness about the situation).

Compliment the RA upon opening the door. One of the best compliments is, “wow, you’re so big.” By calling them big, you will make them feel as though they have power. They’ll relax immediately.

Next, Offer for them to come in and hang out. They’re probably looking to make some friends anyway.

And finally, if all else fails, Wink. It’s flattering.

These tips will be sure to get you out of any conundrum. And who knows ー maybe the RA will be the first guest at your next party.

For more great advice, feel free to email iamafreshmanandidontknowwhatimdoing@lmu.edu

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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