The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Green LMU threatens students over refill scans

This student was proud of the fact that she made three freshmen cry that day. She did get 12 scans, though.

 

LMU Greenie Babies’ involvement helped our school go from third to second place in Hyundaye’s Refill It Challenge — showing the world we are, in fact, the second best at recycling. But what lengths did LMU Greenie Babies go to for our school to receive such a prestigious title? Some would argue that we went too far.

In the aftermath of the Refill It Challenge, a multitude of students have come forward to speak out about the methods taken by the eco-friendly group. What started out as innocent acts, such as offering free pizza outside the Hannon Library or establishing scanning stations, became so much darker than that. The more scans LMU gathered, the more the ambition within the organization grew. This led to acts of aggression in order to get more scans.

“So, I was walking past the library during one of their free pizza events,” said Rex Aikle, a freshman and aspiring resident advisor, “and I had a Hydroflask hanging off my backpack.” Recollecting the incident, Aikle shuddered in horror when he said “and I heard someone yell ‘He’s got a bottle!’ Next thing I knew, I was being pinned down by upperclassmen who took my phone to scan it over a dozen times.”

These acts of aggression occurred not only on campus, but outside the school’s gates. Reports have come out that members of LMU Greenie Babies have been tracking down individuals who passed by the scanning stations without actually scanning.

“I forgot to put my Snapchat on Ghost Mode,” said Paul Oohtents, a junior and Hummer connoisseur, “and I think a couple of students followed me home over Thanksgiving break. I was at a restaurant eating dinner when they ganged up on me. I’m just glad they didn’t hurt James.” For context, “James” is the name of his Hummer, named after global warming denier James Inhofe.

So far, no reports have shown evidence of death threats, though many do not put it past LMU Greenie Babies to go to such lengths. They needed the scan. They wanted the scan. And they got the scan, no matter the cost.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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