The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Wellness Wednesday

Honestly, this is how anyone feels when they do as much good for the world as Gwyneth Paltrow.

If you've ever thought, "What am I supposed to do with all of this extra money?" LMU has you covered! This month, LMUCARES announced the implementation of a new program. Wellness Wednesdays will now be co-sponsored by the popular lifestyle blog GOOP to present a trendy and unnecessary pop-up. Founded in 2008, GOOP is a company founded by self-described "sun goddess" and former Glee guest star Gwyneth Paltrow. The idea began when LMU students complained that they were not being exposed to enough of L.A.'s culture on campus.

Bluff sat down with the brains behind the idea, Fabio Michelangelo (birth name Ben Gesendorpher), a self-described influencer and recent university communications hire.

"What's more L.A. than branding yourself and charging money for it!” Michelangelo reached out to Paltrow, who was more than happy to help. “She liked the idea of getting college students hooked on absurdly expensive snacks and skincare products in the name of self-care.”

For only $2,000, you can get a pass to the all-inclusive Wellness Wednesday pop up. The passes are made from compostable seed paper that doubles as a hearty snack.

The pop up features several handcrafted yurts, each containing a unique and unorthodox wellness regimen, sponsored by a specific LMU department delete or be specific. The School of Film and Television Recording Arts Sound Baths™ are a fun twist on an eastern tradition. But now, white people are doing it, so it’s trendy.

Religious studies will be sponsoring a crystal charging station, where students can vibe up their quartz. Say goodbye to over the counter painkillers. According to Paltrow, these rocks are the only painkillers you’ll need.

Paltrow brought in celebrity guest Cole Sprouse to partner with The Loft. The open bar will serve exclusive mead and alcohol-infused essential oil vapes.

Sodexo has partnered with good ol' Mother Nature to deliver fresh and healthy meals available for purchase. The menu has two items, wheat and love, both of which are cage-free.

“We think the reason college students are so stressed all the time is that their chakra’s are all out of whack. I know it seems expensive, but you can’t put a price tag on a clean aura," said Michelangelo. “There’s science behind these things. Just ask the Student Health Center!”

“Quite honestly, we don’t want to be associated,” said a representative from student Health Services.

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