The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

HEARTWARMING: Quarantined Italian Villagers Unite on Balconies to Sacrifice Goat to Ancient Nightmare God Cthulhu

Italian villagers take to the crisis by making a ritual sacrifice. 

LOMBARDY, ITALY - In times of crisis, humanity survives when people unite, and nothing brings people together quite like ritual sacrifice.

The citizens of San Fiorano, Lombardy , were recently placed under strict quarantine by the Italian government — but rather than allowing the rigid rules to drag them down, they found strength through coming together from their separate balconies and spilling blood to appease the ancient deity Cthulhu.

Cell phone footage of the heartwarming scene shows hundreds of Italian citizens standing out on their balconies, rhythmically chanting hymns to the darkest and most primal of the ancient gods, as dark storm clouds pulse overhead almost in time with the psalms.

“Sure, we may have… how you say, hit hard times, yes? But what better way is there to overcome struggles than by using that energy for creating a community?” Mayor Giuseppe Russo told Bluff reporters as he slit a goat’s jugular vein with a long bronze knife that bore runes of a long-forgotten tongue engraved on its blade. After releasing a hell-bound scream of primordial pleasure, joined by the surrounding villagers, he continued: “There is really no way to get through this kind of thing except together.”

Our Bluff reporters were privileged enough to join in on the town fun, scooping up goat blood from the streams that ran in the cobblestone streets and smearing it on their faces while keeping the recommended 6 feet (or as the Italians say, 2 meters) from the other worshippers. While they may have averted their eyes upon the arrival of Cthulhu himself, one caught a quick glimpse of the colossal eldritch nightmare’s tentacle beard and evil bat wings; Cthulhu was described as “every universal evil distilled into one inky black terror” and “clearly touched by the ritual” just before our reporter was incinerated and his atoms scattered across the ninth level of Hell.

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