The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

How to treat a famous person

These students are too nervous to approach Jesse Williams. Too bad they didn’t read this article first.

Okay, okay, I get it; famous people make you nervous. But living in Los Angeles, you’re bound to run into them — and often. Whether it’s a Hollywood actress, a famous pornstar—not that you’d recognize them, of course—or someone from LMU’s hot guys Instagram—who you definitely would recognize—you’re bound to encounter some tongue-twisting, face-flushing madness. Or are you? After reading this article, you just might be a pro … and you may even become famous yourself. You can thank me later in cash, if you so choose.

If you know you’re going to meet them:

If you know ahead of time you’ll be encountering a famous person, be sure to do your research. What’s their favorite color? Wear it. Favorite song? Let them catch you listening to it. If their dog’s name is Bunny, tell them you have a bunny named Dog. Surprise them with the amount of details you know about their private life. Tell them you contributed to writing their Wikipedia page. Anything over-the-top will almost be enough. By the time you meet them, you should know more about them than they do. It will really demonstrate to them that you are worthy of being in their presence. And also, never take them at their word — they’re actors, after all. This means that if they seem uncomfortable, it’s really just a sign of how flattered they feel. If they’re angry or mean, that just means they like you (but us girls already know that one).

If you run into them:

Don’t panic. Just kidding, you should absolutely be panicking. You didn’t have time to prepare! But it’s okay. In this situation, it’s best to play it cool. Like, super cool. Walk right past them, but act like you don’t know them. Walk like they should be looking at you, like you deserve their admiring gaze, like you are the only one of any relevance in the situation. Make them question their own fame. And just when you’ve got them feeling so very unimportant … swoop. Point out a piece of lint on their shirt, tell them they’ve got something in their teeth, offer to re-tie their shoe in a much more fashionable way or fix a strand of their hair. Huge power move.

If they’re onstage and you’re not:

Time to pull some strings. Pull strings like heck. Pull whatever strings you can find; pull other people’s strings, pull made-up strings out of thin air if you have to (“Hey, I’m the backstage caterer.”) Pull strings like pulling strings will get you an invite back to the hotel room, because hey — it just might. Happy pulling!

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