It’s the distant future, the year 2020. The United States has finally become a utopian society as socio-economic differences have been erased, intolerance is no more, the presidency is vacant and eye contact must be agreed upon before initiation.
With the election impending and the electoral college voted out, the new election method is Instagram likes and whether or not the public likes who your private friends are. The electoral college was abolished after 80% of the American population — who lives in metropolitan areas — decided 20% who grow our food shouldn’t get a proportional voice.
Now, the presidential race has gotten spicier as candidates have been attacked on social media to the point of having to drop out of the race. In the likes of Millie Bobby Brownie, candidates like Moe Biden, Cory Bookend and Beta O’Rourke have been bullied off of the web and out of the eyes of voters because of reasons such as being in the same room as previous presidents, not donating majority of their yearly income to the impoverished or not posting about their bodily functions on their public social medias.
This has left a shortened list for candidates consisting of solely Democrats — considering the Republican party’s voter base is too old for social media. The only two candidates who have passed the “woke” test of the American people thus far are Mayor Pete Judgesbooty and Chieftess Little Hawk Warren.
The last round of debates — where Instagram stories are posted one after each other in a sort of call-and-response — are coming in hot. What is certainly interesting about this new format is that there will be a live feed for public responses. Now everyone’s voices can be posted and equally ignored by everyone else.
Pete Judgesbooty is projected to bolster his voter base by posting a picture of him and Chastity (his spouse) spotting each other in their in-house weight room to promote Judgesbooty’s ideals of supporting each other. Chieftess Little Hawk Warren is likely to name her running partner in her post tonight. Experts think she’ll be choosing her doppelgänger Theresa Mei, the previous British prime minister to be her vice president. This will allow Warren to go abroad or on vacation to the 45th president’s resort in Florida while no one notices she is gone.
Have your phones charged and your emotions ready to be triggered by trolls in the comments during this last debate and the remainder of America's future
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.