Last Wednesday Feb. 20, LMU hosted Jesse Williams as its yearly First Amendment Week speaker. His speech was written to promote the free speech rights we have in America, and the content of the written words were almost as beautiful as his piercing blue eyes. What one may have noticed if they attended the talk was the quality of the microphones as they cut out throughout Williams’ speech.
Upon further inspection there was something off about Williams’ speech. The cadence of the microphones going out and his pronunciation of the words struck a certain “Stairway to Heaven” chord in my ear. An audio recording of Williams’ speech audio was taken and played backward only to reveal the real motive behind the speech — hatred.
Williams’ intentions may have been satanic. The speech in reverse is verbatim one of the oldest devil-summoning prayers. Why Williams would potentially set such a hex upon the Bluff is unknown, but it may have ties to someone shouting, “You were terrible in ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!’ when he got on campus.
There were summoning salts found in his backpack. When asked about them Williams said, “I, uh, have weak taste buds.” A set of extra blue contact lenses were found in his bag as well. Sources close to Williams confess his eyes are naturally completely black.
When approached for questions about his outburst during the talk, a student who wishes to remain anonymous said, “Man that movie was just plain bad, what a shame he tried to summon a demon on our beloved school though.”
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.