Jesus Christ raised from the grave, razed the minds and melted the faces of his audience when he debuted his new death metal band, G.O.A.T.s at Coachella. I was fortunate enough to get an exclusive interview with Jesus after his life-changing set closed Coachella, where he performed miracles in front of the masses.
Sunday’s two hour set was a direct response to Kanye West’s Church of Kanye which also took place at Coachella. “Jesus walks. He’s come to show up Yeezus and make people go to church on Easter Sunday,” said band member Satan about Jesus. I thought their debut concert was going to be at Coachella, but Satan said they “had a debut in Paris at the Notre Dame Cathedral. You know how that went down.”
When asked what piqued his interest in starting a death metal band, Jesus explained, “I spent three days in hell with this guy [Satan the drummer] and we realized that this eon-long battle between good and evil must come to an end before it goes out of mainstream life for good.” The name “G.O.A.T.s” is a double-entendre where the acronym G.O.A.T. stands for Greatest Of All Time and goat also symbolizes the supposed physical form of the Antichrist.
Jesus is the lead guitarist and vocalist and Satan is on the drums with backup vocals. They opened with the song “Fallen Angels” and finished with the song “Stairway to Heaven” as Jesus ascended. “It was all me, no special effects. I started an earthquake when I hit the splits and Satan killed a girl before I brought her back to life. To end it all I turned everyone’s sweat into Gatorade,” Jesus explained.
The band is on global tour until the end of the Easter season and they will be back for Advent to drop their Christmas album. Randomly occuring stigmata may appear after their performances.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.