The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Kaput! now banned from college campuses due to violence

It was 8 a.m. on a Monday morning. Students trudged sleepily into class, eyes half open and brains half dead. Nothing—nothing—seemed like it would be able to wake them up that day.

But wait.

A song in the background started playing slowly, quietly. It rapidly caught the students’ attention, though it was almost impossible to hear. It didn’t matter. After two muted notes played, they knew what it meant.

The first student to log into Kaput!, a popular trivia game often used by professors, chose the name “Da Winner.” Then, nine different versions of the professor’s name popped up in succession. “Chad” and “The Better Chad” made it up as well, following a person who used the trophy emoji — 14 times. And the games began.

The Better Chad found himself behind Chad after the first round — he still blames unlucky timing. One student complained that their Kaput! was buffering, and everyone else reportedly found themselves relieved — it was one less person to compete with. The students were alert, tense and ready for battle.

The first tear was shed after the third question, when Da Winner was pushed off the winning screen and into sixth place —a  mere 20 points behind 14 trophy emojis. In fact, none of the students were that far off from each other. The scores were so tight that after question number seven, it was still anyone’s game.

Throughout the room, knees jerked rapidly under desks. Hearts pounded. And at a moments notice, friendships began to break apart No friendship can survive Kaput!

A student nicknamed “Dr. Professor” threw the first punch after the student at the desk in front of him stood up during question number nine and blocked his vision. Quickly after, The Better Chad stole Chad’s phone and answered a question wrong on purpose, pushing him off the charts. Within minutes, students were locked in a brawl, battling for each other’s phones in an effort to sabotage their classmates and claim the Kaput! crown for themselves.

When Da Winner chucked a random Android across the room in the hopes it would break and disqualify the student playing on it, the professor of the class knew the game had gotten out of hand. She made a frantic call to the Department of Public Safety (whose Kaput! name is uptonogood), but nobody picked up. Bluff reporters later discovered that the office’s staff was too busy playing Cards Against Humanity to bother themselves with such Kaput!-ish shenanigans. It happens nearly every day, after all. The professor realized that no one was coming to save them. But she had an idea.

12 knocked-out teeth and six cracked iPhone 11s later, the students emerged breathlessly from the fight. No one, it turned out, would be claiming the Kaput! crown today. The professor had shut off the projector and ended all chances of a future winner.

When student health services had to deal with the 100 broken fingers later in the day, they realized that Kaput! might be becoming too much of a problem. The game has now been deemed illegal by the University, and there is a bill in the California Senate that is looking to criminalize the game in all schools. It just gets too competitive.

 

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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