The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Left-handed citizens want better hand

Photo taken in downtown Portland during protest, pictured is a lefty protester chopping off a righties right hand.

A new social justice movement has erupted across America: a call to unify left-handed Americans under the motto “We’re not all right” has gained massive traction over the past week. Violence has ensued in many medium-sized cities such as Louisville, Portland and Houston, causing large metropolitan cities to grow uneasy as they wonder when their lefty population will rise.

“We demand representation. The days of ‘the right hand man’ and ‘left handed compliment’ are over,” says Robert Wright, PR representative for the Left Over Right movement. “We’re an eclectic group. Race, education and socioeconomic background don’t make a difference to us. Which hand you wear your watch on does.”

These raging lefties have a signature violent act. They catch unsuspecting individuals on the street and make them perform tasks like picking up their phone or writing their name with both hands. If it is deemed that they are right handed their right hand is chopped off.

The lefties have a set of demands they expect to be met if protests and violence are due to halt. Wright warns, “You cannot distinguish who we are — we look just like you. We are every race, gender, and age. We know who we are, though. We want left handed scissors to be sold in stores, we want better healthcare because we are more likely to die doing things made for right-handed people. We are forced to live in a world not made for us.”

Left-handed people make up a mere 10 percent of the population, but a whopping 20 percent of United States presidents have been left handed. Wright concluded with, “Just like Thanos in the Avengers said, there must balance. Lefties are the yang to righties' ying. Oppressing one side will cause the pendulum to swing. Consider us swinging.”

Lefties have declared that unless their quotas are met, each week 100 righties will have their dominant arm forcefully removed to help place the lefty to righty population at a natural one to one ratio.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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