The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

In an effort to increase sustainability, the Lion’s Den gives a generous discount to those that bring in their own mugs. However, after a meeting with ASLMU, the Den has decided to become even more earth-friendly. Enter… The Fountain.

The Fountain is perhaps the most creative green solution to ever be seen. It eliminates all waste from cups, straws and lids while ensuring that no aspect of any drink gets wasted, either. Students are able to program their drink of choice into the Fountain and it spits it out right into their mouths. Anything they don’t finish is recycled into the big Fountain Pool, where students can dip their reusable water bottles to get a unique drink concoction for free.

In this system, nothing is wasted, and students are absolutely psyched about the idea.

“I’m all for sustainability,” said sophomore biology major Dee Rink. The idea that the Den has come up with a machine that shoots drinks right into our mouths is really incredible. It’s like we’re living in the future.”

Freshman entrepreneur major Crea Tive agrees. “When I was touring schools, LMU was the only one that approached the climate crisis with such innovative ideas,” they said. “I knew right away this is where I wanted to be.”

Initially, the Fountain received some criticism for those concerned about germ-sharing, but that went away quickly. Junior health and human sciences major Germo Phobe said that “there are much more important things than health. And, when we conducted a study of the Fountain Pool, we only found slight traces of herpes. It’s a little harder to catch herpes from slight traces than larger traces, so we decided it was safe. I use the Pool all the time.”

The idea is all credited to the student workers at the Den, who spent their entire summer meeting with engineers and artists to create a machine that was both practical and fit in with the aesthetic of the coffee shop. The result is truly dazzling.

If you, too, are looking for a sustainable way to drink coffee, head down to the Den. And if you don’t want to dip your bottle into the Pool (on the off-chance you catch herpes), just program your drink, open your mouth wide and let your latte stream right in. It’s not only sustainable ー it’s fun.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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