The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

LMU becomes 'utensil-free' campus after criticism for plastic utensils

In recent weeks, Loyola Marymount University has received a growing amount of backlash for the use of plastic utensils in their multiple dining locations. Although the implementation of plastic utensils does fall in line with COVID-19 prevention tactics, these efforts only add to our overall waste and make stealing utensils from LMU much less rewarding. I truly miss the days where I could steal reliable, metal spoons from the Lair and I fear that those days are long gone.

Students have started to make their position on the subject clear and, rather than address them in a civil, democratic fashion, LMU has seemingly snapped and made a rather odd decision regarding the future of utensils on campus.

In response to criticism about our continued use of plastic utensils on campus, LMU has officially banned utensils of any kind, regardless of what material they’re made of. Some are claiming that the rash decision was made in an effort to spite the critics of LMU, given that the change in policy is unrealistic and, frankly, weird.

“Yeah, I went to grab lunch at the Lair,” said Jeffrey Jeffstopherson, a freshman and part-time mime. “I ordered some pasta and was confused why they didn’t give me any utensils with it. Do you realize how wack it is to eat spaghetti and meatballs with your hands?”

Unlike what many had assumed would happen, LMU plans to keep food options that largely require utensils, such as pasta and salad.

Ironically, LMU’s decision that was made to eliminate criticism has only led to even more backlash, giving many of those who made the decision a massive headache.

“Isn’t this what you guys wanted?!” said an exasperated Sue P. Viser, representative for LMU and one of the few people I’ve met with grey hair in their very early twenties. “I mean, first you wanted us to reduce waste, so we did! Do you want us to go back to plastic? I swear to God, at this point I’m just gonna start dumping oil in the ocean myself.”

As of right now, LMU plans on doubling down and continuing their “no utensil” policy while still having foods that really require utensils. If you want a good laugh, you can visit the Lair and see students try to eat a salad with just their hands. Personally, I hope LMU starts up a Tomato Soup Night now. It'd be fun to watch.

The Bluff will update as the situation unfolds. Until then, maybe stick to sandwiches when you’re eating on campus.

Bluff Assistant Editor

I am a screenwriting major from Orange County, California. I am a human who likes to do human things like breathe and drink water.

(1) comment


Tomato Soup Night :) :) :)

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