The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

LMU gets creative with student payments

A student trades in the last of their belongings for a cap and gown.

The news is out. This year, cap and gowns are going to cost students even more than ever: an entire paycheck, along with every asset students can manage to scrape up and trade in for a chance to walk at graduation (or graduate at all).

College is expensive. We all knew this coming in. They told us before we came here and we rolled right along, not really understanding what they meant. Sure, college = expensive. So is a night out and a car and a puppy. But here at LMU, a new policy has begun enforcing that students give a lot more than just dinero.

“Now we’ve got to trade in everything we have for one of these fancy degrees,” began senior international relations major Brianna R. Oke. “Our new clothes, dinner, car and insurance plans. Gosh, I gave up my cat for this.”

And the final kicker? The wizard cloak and square hat required in order to walk at graduation are going to run students a whopping $130 extra — or 12 hours of labor on LMU property. Whoop whoop.

As payment, LMU is now accepting both checks and assets, a new innovation that will leave students barefoot and airpod-less, but with perhaps enough pocket change to scrape up another meal. Senior finance major Mai Pay explains the change.

“It’s just the cost of college. Some students don’t have the kind of cash that keeps a school running, so now the school is accepting sacrifices in other forms. Labor, items — whatever you’ve got. Last week, I turned in my gold earrings and antidepressants to cover a lab fee.”

However, the new program is not expected to decrease debt. Once students pay for their education at LMU, they aren’t left with much more than a diploma — especially now. When a student turns in their bed to cover part of their meal plan, they’ll graduate without a bed… and then what? They'll have to get a new one. Thus return the shackles of everlasting debt.

The program is expected to help LMU directly. When they’re in need of classroom chairs, for example, student assets in the forms of furniture may be accepted to help cover some of their tuition costs.

Happy or not, get ready. If you don’t have the cash to keep up on your payments, you better be searching through your closet for what you’ve got left. Your diploma is going to cost you.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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