“Warren fixes things. It’s what she does. She really does have a plan for everything,” said a Sodexo employee.
With the debate back on, Elizabeth Warren, along with the six other candidates participating, arrived at LMU ready to tackle the grand issues of the American people.
Warren arrived four hours early. She was reported to have had five cups of coffee and a vitamin C shot prior to her arrival and was ready and eager to help in any way possible.
“She showed up early to help set up the stage,” said facilities manager, Manny Gerr. “She asked us why it was so hard to assemble, and then told us that she would fight for better stage assembly conditions. It was oddly specific, but I’ll take it!”
One thing is certain — if there’s a problem, Warren has a plan for it. After leaving Gersten Pavilion following the debate, Warren noticed the unfinished construction. Her aides waited patiently as she climbed over the fence and scaled the scaffolding to assess what had been built so far. She requested that one of her aides get the hard hat she always keeps in her glove compartment, and she got to work.
Upon their return, construction workers found the drywall laid and a written plan detailing ways to expedite the process. “It was a Christmas miracle. When we got back, we wondered who it was. Santa Claus? Elves?” No, it was Elizabeth Warren. “I’m not sure who I’ll be voting for, but if I ever need someone to level a subfloor, I know who to call,” said Bill Durr, one of the workers.
“She does this every time we see an unfinished project,” said a representative for the Senator. “Broken water fountains, unpaved roads and flat tires. She loves to fix things. It gets exhausting.”
On her way out, Warren gave three buildings a fresh coat of paint and left several hundred notes around campus suggesting ways LMU could make itself more equitable.
A representative has told us that Warren will return to fix the escalators in University Hall in late January.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.