LMU has been named America’s greenest campus. This comes after two changes, one in regards to the way the award winner is decided, and the other a change to LMU policies.
Green Earth Collective is the committee that votes each year on which campuses are the greenest. With the increased awareness of the negative effects humans have on the environment, their criteria for “green” has changed from things like recycling, clean energy and sustainability to the negative impact on human lives. The award is given to whichever school hurts its students the most.
This couples well with LMU’s new policy to allow smoking cigarettes all across campus, and with our lack of contraception on campus. LMU has taken the progressive step of dispensing female hygienic products in the women’s restrooms, and in the men’s restrooms there are cigarette dispensers. “Our goal is to shorten your life expectancy as drastically as we can,” says environmental studies professor Dr. Ohz One. “If less students graduate healthy, I’ve done my job well.”
LMU’s lack of contraception may appear as an effort contrary to decreasing the population but biology professor Dr. Les Baybees says otherwise: "The lack of contraception actually discourages students from engaging in intercourse.” Dr. Les Baybees is a staunch supporter of antinatalism—the philosophy of not having children that has gained traction over the past 40 years—and spends most of his time on campus handing out cigarettes and replacing the milk dispensers on campus with soy milk. “The soy milk promotes the production of estrogen in the male body. I also give Johnson & Johnson baby powder to every female student I teach.”
Kermit the Frog may have been onto something when he sang, “It’s not easy being green."
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.