The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

LMU to change phone fundraising tactics

LMU is relentless in their pursuit for money: but they only ask those who have already paid their wallet, their heart, and their soul. 

There are rights of passage to becoming an alumni: walking at graduation, starting your life in the work force and getting fundraising phone calls from your alma mater.

Luckily for the class of 2019, LMU is getting increasingly aggressive with their fundraising tactics. Cole Call, the new director of fundraising at LMU, is bringing outside ideas to help revamp the system.

“We are implementing procedures like those of Chinese technology company Huawei to extract information from our alumni community,” said Call. Information such as phone numbers, occupation, every picture worthy of blackmail from your Snapchat and your diary from grade school will be accessible to LMU to influence your donation participation.

“Every day I get a phone call and the caller ID says LMU. ‘We see you drinking whole milk,’ they say. ‘spend less on dairy and more on the future of lions.’ It’s quite unsettling,” explained David Tassone, ('16).

“You can pay us to stop,” Call said. For a three-time charge of $69.99, LMU will stop their daily mass calling. “You’ve all gotten those J.P. Morgan bank calls. People pick up and that’s half the battle. Don’t you think people would pay a monthly fee to stop the calls? I sure do."

Leaked information of Call’s plan suggests that there may be a transition from phone calls to a more physical, in-person approach. The fundraising department is quadrupling their work force. “The Mormons have something going here. I think we can capitalize on it," said Call.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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