If you have simply existed in the last few weeks of this never-ending struggle called life, then more likely than not you’ve heard of Squid Game. The South Korean survival drama centers around a group of 456 people who are facing massive debts and are willing to put their lives on the line to pay these debts off by competing in several children’s games.
TikTok and Instagram users have been posting thousands of videos attempting the dalgona candy cutting challenge and realizing for the first time that they are not the main character, nor are they special, and they’d be eliminated (aka killed) in the game quite early. Most of all, LMU’s own leadership has taken great inspiration from the game and, like most Western reactions to non-western media, is ready to take the idea of Squid Game and replicate it poorly.
As a response to many students’ cries for student loan debt forgiveness in order to “live decently,” The University has decided to replicate the premise of Squid Game for any student who wishes to put their life on the line for a chance to not be thousands of dollars in debt before they’ve really even started life. Since Squid Game utilizes common children’s games for the competition, President Snyder, in order to be cost-efficient, has created five games that utilize the daily struggles of campus life. The games are as follows:
Set across the many crosswalks around LMU, students must cross a crosswalk 10 times back and forth within a given amount of time. This will take place during the night on a weekend when the tiny streets of LMU are as congested as everyone after Fallapalooza who insists it’s “just allergies.” At all moments there will be at least one sports car revving its engine for no reason other than to intimidate participating students and generally give off douchebag vibes. Like any normal day crossing the street, participants cannot be sure that cars will stop for them, even with stop signs on both sides of traffic. If a player miscalculates and goes at the wrong time, they will be hit by a car going above 50 mph and die. In this case, the revving of the sports cars comes in handy to drown out the screams of agony.
Inside of U-Hall, students must choose over 20 turns which escalator to take. The participants will spend the 20 turns going up and down according to their own decisions. The escalators are each covered in a tent, preventing participants from seeing the choices they are making. The students succeed if they choose an escalator that is working; however, if they choose an escalator that is broken, the escalator swallows the student up and their spirit adds to the collective soullessness of U-Hall.
Red Light, Green Light (California edition)
Each student, while blindfolded, handles the gas and break of a car going down LMU Drive. They must use their intuition to anticipate the speed bumps, though they are only allowed to break four total times during the drive and must return to normal speed between bumps. If even one of the bumps goes unaccounted for, the impact will cause the driver to be catapulted out of the car and over the Bluff, landing in a bloody mess on the LMU letters.
As the final game, the remaining participants will sit inside a dorm room simulator and craft an email to a respected professor requesting an extension for a major paper. The student must craft an email within 15 minutes that carries the perfect balance of formality, casualness and a solid excuse that would justify an extension. Within the simulator there will be a number of roommate robots around, one having a breakdown, another loudly making out with a guest and a third throwing up Four Lokos off to the side. If the email does not meet the three qualifications, the professor will come by and shoot the student on sight. Use of grammar and punctuation applications to help results in instant execution.
The University implied plans to develop more games. When we asked why they couldn’t just lower tuition or simply avoid committing mass murder he replied that this is the “only way to lower the population to meet the food shortage and also –” at which point the masked represntative cut himself off, and began to chuckle while backing away into a shadowy corner.