The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Dorm Room Christmas Lights Effect

With a roll of tape and some money spent at Joann's, a string of Christmas lights can turn your dump of a dorm room into a student hotspot. It's still a dump, but now it's a more well-lit dump!

Normally a pretty easy-going guy, member of Delta Pretzel Epsilon Chad Bradley recently told reporters he was “big-time pissed” that his Christmas lights weren’t helping his dorm decor as much as he thought they would.

I thought it would be all cute and stuff," he said, giving the reporters a tour of what one might call a total pig sty, “but it really didn’t help as much as it was supposed to."

When asked about the heap of garbage occupying a large part of the floor space and the potato chips crushed into the mottled grey carpeting, Bradley's only comment was “I high-key expected you to say ‘wow, it’s so cozy in here!' dude, not that."

Loyolan reporters at the location noted a distinct musty smell of unwashed gym clothing emanating from the unwashed gym clothing strewn about the room.

“When he invited me back to his place and told me about the remote he uses to adjust the color of the lights, I thought, ‘Finally, a boy with some interior decorating skills’ – but I was gravely mistaken," remarked a woman Bradley was interested in romantically, who has chosen to remain anonymous. “When I arrived, I for real thought he had taken me to some kind of avant-garde, postmodern art exhibit full of empty boxes of breakfast cereal and spent e-cigarette pods.”

Chad will be taking legal action against the manufacturers of the lights, remarking that he had spent upwards of $400 on lights to make his room a “chill zone to like vibe or whatever,” but did not realize it wouldn’t fix the absolute primordial chaos of the rest of the room.

“I thought I’d be getting all the chicks to be all like ‘Ugh, I just want to curl up in here on a rainy day with a good book’ – but the lights didn’t help disguise my lifestyle, habits or personality at all.”

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.