The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Making men for others; dating lives for priests

They're just like us. Priests embracing their desire to mingle can often interfere with their work lives.

In an attempt to get more men interested in joining the priesthood, Pope Francis has suggested dropping the vow of celibacy from the ordination process. Obviously, because men are the only gender capable of fulfilling this role, the clear goal is to garner a larger selection of males willing to join the priesthood. If the priests are approved to abandon their vow of celibacy, they will have to face what could potentially be the biggest test of their faith in humanity — dating.

With over 30 priests residing on the LMU campus, it’s no surprise that this issue has made its way to the Bluff. The residing Jesuits decided that they would turn to the most knowledgeable source they have on the matter of potential love, the poster children of healthy, committed relationships: college students.

LMU students have offered the campus priests a plethora of advice. Holly Father, freshman finance major, said he had a heartfelt meeting with Father Cruz Ade, in which the two discussed the complexities of dating in 2019. “I had to teach him about dating apps. That was a process,” commented Father.

“Swiping is pretty exciting. I haven’t felt a rush like this since Vatican II!” said Father Ade. “There are some other things they had to be reminded of. Asking a partner to call you ‘Father’ is a no and you’ve gotta find something to wear besides the same black outfit every day.”

The hope is that this process will not only expand the range of men willing to enter the priesthood but also bridge cultural gaps. “I met a Greek Orthodox woman on one of those apps. We’ve gotten along great! It’s like the Great Schism never happened,” said Father Taby Nackle.

The process has not come without its hardships. “The hardest part is that I almost always have to ask her to pay, because of the whole vow of poverty thing. And she gets mad when I absolve my own sins during arguments, but what are you gonna do? I’ve been a priest for over half my life,” continued Nackle.

Entering the dating world may not be easy, but students and priests alike agree that it will breathe new life into the antiquated ideology of the church. “Ultimately, it’s for the best. When we allow priests to experience human desire and acknowledge their emotions, we alleviate the dangerous and elitist gap between the lay and the ordained.” said Nackle.

“L.O.L. Are they gonna do the missionary position?” commented a freshman in a muscle tee.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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