Male birth control is an impending reality and the male opposition has already begun. Men are shouting from gym rooftops about the unfair reality of yet another restraint on traditional masculinity in all its glory. “Why,” they lament, “does society make us do things that are really only natural for girls?” Along with birth control they list “making dinner,” “holding babies,” “crying” and “using that sweeping tool for the floor” as things only female bodies can naturally pick up. It just isn’t fair, they claim, to make boys do girl stuff.
Are they right?
We spoke with a group of men called Guys Against Girl Stuff (GAGS) that were staked out on the roof of Bigger is Better, a male-only workout center, to find out. They gave us all the scoop we needed (and then some). They showed us exactly why they take some—ahem—issues with the new pill in development.
One of the concerns was the amount of time pill-taking would steal away from other activities. “We can’t be taking a pill every day. That would be like, four minutes a week we’d lose from working out,” one of the men, Chad Frat, stated. The others nodded vehemently in agreement.
“Is it gonna make me have periods or something?” another, Travis Bulk, chimed in. “Because I ain’t no woman, you know.”
“I just think, like, our bodies are too nice to be gettin’ messed with. We shouldn’t be puttin’ no hormones in them, unless it’s testosterone!” he continued. This joke caused a roar of laughter, some chest pounding and gorilla-like shouting among the group.
When questioned about their willingness to relieve some of women’s contraceptive burdens, the laughing subsided, replaced by genuine looks of confusion.
“Well, she gotta grow the baby. That ain’t our problem,” Frat finally said, after some long, deep thought.
And side effects caused by birth control? “Unless they can get rid of all the side effects, I wouldn’t even consider them,” Frat continued.
Women can handle the bloating and the cramps and the acne and the fatigue and the weight gain and the nausea and the headaches and the bleeding and the soreness and the mood swings — and men shouldn’t have to. I guess it just comes down to what’s natural for our bodies, like they said.
Truth be told, male birth control will be causing some riots — and for good reason. No one should have to endure what women have to, especially men.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.