The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

Macho Man products

Use these products to work on bettering yourself while you wait for equality.

Recently, the worlds of science, stingy spending and sociology have collided, creating a crater that others are bound to trip tidily into. The tea? NASA has decided to disallow a man by the name of Op R. Essed from attending his long-planned space mission. Why? The size of his body and their unwillingness to pay for some clothes that fit him. Sounds like fake news, doesn’t it? Here are the facts:

-Extra small and small spacesuit sizes have been prioritized over medium and large ones. The spacesuits, logically, have been designed for use by the female body only.

-It’s cheaper to send a spacesuit-sized person into space than it is to make a person-sized spacesuit.

-The presence of a penis on a human body is an obvious sign of inferiority, rendering Essed a dispensable part of this whole space mission thing (enter the woman to take his place).

The double-bind is that society screams at men from the backgrounds to be taller, thicker, buffer — and yet when men are finally able to achieve these wildest of bodily standards, clothes no longer fit. When clothes no longer fit, life-long dreams of becoming astronauts are thrown away without a thought and rationalized using the term, “cost effective."

Yep. It’s “cost effective” to sell men pills, razors, protein bars, gym equipment and sports gear all their lives … and it’s even more cost effective to not bother providing the clothes required to actually do the job they’ve been (purchasing) training for. Women, however, are deemed worthy of the price of complimentary spacesuits. Obviously.

But this isn’t new. Men have been placed second all of their lives, all their parents’ lives and all their grandparents’ lives, too. In fact, the people who are surprised or upset by this are perhaps a bit too idealistic. There’s just something inherent about the male body that simply makes them… lesser. It’s nothing more than basic common sense.

Really, there is no other solution to Essed’s space suit problem. It comes down to money and to who is valuable. If only we made laws about everyone being created equal or something. Then things might change.

But for now, boys, enjoy the shadows and enjoy keeping your feet down on earth. Give up on those dreams of becoming an astronaut and instead focus on bettering yourself. By using the code BIGGER, you can receive a 50 percent discount on the products advertised above.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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