The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

New executive order leaves vapers dazed and confused

Donald Trump—now called "Pheen" by vapers—finally made his decision to ban vape products instead of guns...and vapers everywhere are up in arms. 

Americans are keenly aware of the Second Amendment — the “right of anyone, regardless of mental illness, previous criminal record or malicious intent, to bear AR-15s, shall not be infringed.” But lesser known is the 18+ Amendment, stating that “all persons, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or gender, shall be allowed a right to vape without interference.”

Unfortunately, this right is being infringed upon, and it’s important for Americans to stand together and fight back for their inalienable right to vape.

Last week, the president of the United States (nicknamed “Pheen” by vapers) signed a groundbreaking, illegal executive order banning products essential to the vaping community. The discriminatory practice disproportionately affects the poor teenagers.

Vee Aper, a junior criminal justice major, says she is having an “existential crisis” over the situation. “We’re calling him President Pheen because now he’s just as bad as one,” she explained. “I mean, he is so into protecting our other rights, so I just don’t understand why this one isn’t protected, too. I guess I’ll just go buy a gun instead.”

Others agree. “I’ve got to make the most of my rights while I still have them,” said senior political science major Ju Ul. “If my right to vape can be taken away, what’s next? I’m headed to buy my rifle this afternoon, right before I head to the Vapers’ Rights March.”

The National Vape Association (NVA) blames the ban on its inability to bribe state representatives. “We used to have a good stronghold on red-leaning representatives,” they said in a statement released last Friday. “But it’s been truly hard to compete with the NRA. The reps who used to take our money have sold out to the NRA instead. We sincerely apologize to the vapers in this country. We’ve let you down.”

For those looking to take further action, there will be over 800 marches and protests across the country in upcoming weeks.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.