The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

New housing to be built in the ocean

Two LMU students have agreed to test out LMU”s new underwater housing initiative. Unfortunately, they must share their room with fish.

Disney fans rejoice! The Jonas Brothers were right after all, and sooner than we believed. Starting in the year 2021, we may all be living underwater.

In an effort to curb the overcrowding of on-campus housing, LMU announced that they will be investing in Underwater Housing for Humans Who Hate Above-ground Terrain (UHHWHAT). UHHWHAT develops underwater housing communities for those looking to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday traffic, airport noise and awkward encounters with squirrels. However, UHHWHAT is now looking to develop dormitories for overcrowded universities such as LMU.

“This is exactly the solution LMU needs,” said Eve Rye, director of housing at LMU. “We live so close to the ocean. There’s so much prime real estate down there. It’s time we did something about it.”

In order to fund the project, LMU will be canceling the new dorm project in East Quad and funneling additional resources into underwater housing. Shuttles and submarines will have to be commissioned to get students to and from campus. The goal is to build enough housing for the entire campus and turn existing dorms into more classroom space for film and television students.

“If this solves having to live with six other people in a dorm meant for four, then I support the project,” said Cass Angler, a sophomore biology major. “Bring on the fishies.”

Angler may be disappointed, however. UHHWHAT has only built one underwater dwelling so far, and it houses about four people. Turns out, building underwater is difficult and costly.

“In order to keep costs down and efficiency up, students may be assigned seven to a dorm,” Rye said.

In the meantime, other alternative housing solutions include: the Sacred Heart Chapel bell tower, the roof of U-Hall and the Matrix.

Sami Leung is a senior Psychology major from Cerritos, California. In her free time, she likes to read trendy books, go out to boba, and sing duets with her pet snake Elvis.

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