Outcries from right outside the bathroom door could be heard across the nation today over partners taking “a lifetime” to get ready. But, in a dramatic turn of events, it was the woman of the relationship finding herself on the cold and desolate side of the bathroom door, while the man was enjoying his time under the nourishing cascade of the shower.
Complaints over this abrupt role-reversal came in thick and fast, leaving girlfriends baffled and dumbfounded over the sudden change. Kimmy Fallowers, a self-proclaimed “social media influencer” from Las Vegas, agreed to an interview to give us a first-hand account of exactly how it feels being on the dark side of the door.
“Terrible, I don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I pick up condiment bottles lying around the apartment and aimlessly read the food labels on the back just to kill time," Fallowers said. "The last few days have gotten even worse. Last night, when my boyfriend was in the shower, I read the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I like, never read. What is happening to me?”
You’re not alone, Kimmy. Behavioral psychologists have been racking their minds trying to identify the catalyst for this dramatic shift in human behavior. A study was conducted in which one male and one female chimpanzee were placed in a controlled environment for 24 hours with nothing but a bar of soap between them.
“Chimps are the most genetically similar animal to us, and we hypothesized that the male would use the soap more than the female, thus explaining that this issue is not an overnight fad but a genetic trait,” said Stanford Psychologist Dr. Anida-Moore Soop.
The results proved inconclusive, and hope for a logical explanation was quickly diminishing across America, when suddenly, the Loyolan received an anonymous phone call last Tuesday from a man who called himself Mr. Peacock.
“For too long men have been relegated to the sidelines of self-care and personal hygiene. Our products claim that one bottle can do it all. It promises to clean our skin, our hair, our eyes, prevent arthritis, boost mental clarity and even cure depression. Women are blessed with products that cater to the most minute of beauty needs, with creams that maximize elbow health, and collagen pills that literally make your bones indestructible," he said.
Mr. Peacock, at this time visibly frothing from the mouth, continued with his rousing monologue: "I said enough is enough, my elbows have been neglected for the last time gosh darn it, it’s time I make a stand for me, and all the other men out there who want to foster a more tender relationship with their bodies. So I developed a beauty line for men composed of 67 different products to cater to their needs. This epidemic you media sensationalists refer to just shows how men have been repressing their desire for self care, and are finally been given a platform to treat themselves.”
At press time, Mr. Peacock's company has risen to occupy the 431st spot on the Fortune 500 list.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.