Last Tuesday, U.S. Speaker of the House Pancy Nelosi made a big announcement: a combined peach and mint flavor, previously deemed “too weird” by the FDA, has finally been approved as a flavor for Starbucks drinks, White Claws, LaCroixs and many more.
The announcement came soon after impeachment proceedings on Trump began, though according to Nelosi there was no correlation between the two events.
The peach-mint idea has more than doubled sales in products that now offer the flavor. Starbucks stocks have even increased by 20.20% as a direct result of their new Peach-Mint Frappuccino.
However, there has not been a significant increase in sales in Louisiana, Georgia, Alabama or Texas. Some argue this is due to an already-high consumption of candy and flavored drinks. Others are not so sure.
The flavor is making it around the globe. Every single peach-mint La Croix in Ukraine sold out within a single day, as did every peach-mint chocolate in Germany. Russia and North Korea, however, have banned the flavor. In these countries, the terms “peach”, “mint” and “flavor” no longer produce any results on the internet and will alert authorities when anyone Google, Bing or Yahoo searches them.
But even countries like these haven’t been able to stop the product’s black market. Demands for peach-mint flavoring are so high that a single peach-mint lollipop is going for the equivalent of $18 American dollars in Moscow ー despite the fact that capital punishment is being enforced on anyone caught with the taste of peach-mint in their mouths.
“I used to not be so sure if the peach-mint was a good idea,” said Polli Ticks, a junior political science major. “But now, the evidence has really changed my mind. Peach-mint is the best idea out there.”
The flavor has been circling LMU’s campus as well. Rumor has it that hundreds of students stormed out of a Beta fraternity party last weekend when they ran out of peach-mint jungle juice. They all raced for the Delta Sig party next, but by the time they got there, the juice was gone. Disappointed, everyone went home sober and feeling lost without their new favorite drink.
Peach-mint has also been the number-one selling Juul flavor, despite the fact that the flavoring has been banned by President Trump. According to Nelosi, there was a direct correlation.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.