By-Line: Thanking Wokebama
On Oct. 15, Ronald Dump changed history by finally coming up with something logicalーand even smartーto tweet out to the public. Despite the tweet’s grammatical mistakes, the overall message was nevertheless able to be deciphered: Dump is now calling for his own impeachment. Listen up, because the president has said something woke. Finally.
While such a profound and brilliant thought was never expected to form in Dump’s head, something seems to have finally clicked for him. Maybe he decided to quickly hop onto the impeachment bandwagon because it seemed that’s what everyone else was doing (and Dump sure does like gaining approval from the masses). I mean, hey ー if Dump’s running for reelection on a platform promising his own impeachment, even I may get on board.
More likely, Dump’s inspiration for the lovely tweet could have been that Wokebama came to him in a dream and awakened within him a spiritual enlightenment, a conversion, a coming home and recognition of the difference between good and bad. Dump’s eyes were opened and he was so moved by Wokebama’s goodness that he began petitioning for his own impeachment.
Or, perhaps, Dump’s tweet didn't occur because he was saying something smart. Maybe he was threatened to say it by Pike Mence, whose time is running out to claim a moment of fame. Maybe Dump thinks that impeachment means nothing more than the multitude of peach mint thins that have arrived in his mailbox over the last month (they’re very tasty). Or perhaps Dump just saw that the word “impeach” was trending on Twitter and decided to throw it into his tweet to appear hip and cool. I mean, I guess it worked.
What’s next? Now that Dump has said something smart, I feel as though anythingーliterally anythingーis possible. In the bright and glorious future, I foresee Dump testifying against himself in court. Once he is found guilty, he then asks the judge to lengthen his jail sentence to two lives in prison rather than just one. He doesn’t know what this means, but he feels it is the right thing to do.
While in prison, he spends his time learning simple phrases such as “rape is bad” and “racism is hurtful.” He willingly goes to therapy and does his best to avoid insulting the counselor. Using giant colored crayons, he writes personal letters of remorse to every person in the United States of America and in Latin America, and in predominantly Islamic countries. At the end of each letter he draws a rainbow and people of all races and genders holding hands. He signs his name incorrectly most of the timeーdespite writing millions of letters, spelling is still hard for himーbut his counselor applauds his effort anyway. The U.S. moves on, propelled forward by a black, queer female president, and all is well.
If it is possible for Dump to say something smart, then all of this is possible, too.
The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.